Peter The Pastel Boy

When I was five and he was six, I first met Peter the pastel boy. He would sit beside me in school and we would talk in the quit fits, punctuated with giggles, that teachers were content to let us think we’d managed to slip under the radar. His hair had been a CAPUT MORTUUM scribble, his eyebrows a squiggle of consternation as he focussed his attention on the problems put to a six year-old. Below his brow, his eyes were flecks of COBALT BLUE.

His stubby fingers, MEDIUM FLESH, gripped a pencil in a tight fist, two-dimensional hands grasping at a three-dimensional world only by wrapping entirely around it. In the summertime, he’d start to sweat – just a little, but enough to leave minute traces of pink across the pages as he wrote. From time to time, I’d see him using nib of pen or tip of pencil trying to scratch through the waxy layer, but I’d pretend not to notice.

When school was out, we were on the same football team, his cheeks touched with a flush of ALIZARIN CRIMSON, the grass on his little pastel boots all PERMANENT GREEN OLIVE, with hints of JUNIPER GREEN. We’d play until the sky was soft and pink, eventually walking home tired and happy, our shirts stained with grass and sweat, his streaked with the transparent, waxy stuff he’d secrete when the weather was hot and humidity high.

We’d return to his house, it being closer to the pitch on which we’d train. His mother would make us dinner, and at the time I’d never realised why she seemed so happy to feed me, but I suppose it was because I would eat as she and her husband did. Peter would sit at the opposite side of the table and skewer the cartoonish chicken his mother had drawn him; his squat, sketched fork resting well in his hand despite its scratchy outline.

From time to time, we’d plead until I were allowed stay the night, parents agreeing with the sort of half-hearted reluctance that children can sense. His father would check our heartbeats with an old stethoscope, he being a doctor. He would press the cold of it against my skin and take a note while he listened to my heartbeat, listing off the various ups-and-downs of blood pressure, diet and healthy lifestyle. All the while, Pete would look on, marvelling.

It’s only in retrospect that I recognise the uncomfortable air about the place, the feeling of satisfaction. I imagine Pete didn’t quite put it together himself until later. His father might just have felt powerless in the face of anything wrong with his son, with no heartbeat to check and no SCARLET RED blood to pressure – the idea of a flesh-and-blood boy must have seemed straightforward.

The one time I saw his father forced to minister to him was one rainy afternoon, when the two of us had taken it upon ourselves to dig around in their overcrowded garage. There were areas so tightly cramped that I couldn’t follow Pete into them; from these he would emerge, smeared with engine oil and dust, to show off the treasure’s he’d unearthed.

He fell from between an old lawnmower and a disused chest of drawers, his arms wrapped around two bulky plastic cartons. As he turned to face me, for a moment almost vanishing as he turned sideways to me, the cartons hovering oddly at about chest height.

As he turned, one food caught in the mower’s length of cable, he fell to a one knee in an awkward genuflection, spilling a glass or so worth of petrol-smelling fluid from the cartons across his chest. I moved to help him up from his fall, but where I gripped his hand it slipped and melted from my own, I looked down at it, sickened by the feeling, and found it smeared and spattered with his MEDIUM FLESH and the HELIO TURQUOISE of his dissolving sleeve.

I kicked the cartons away from him, spilling more of the stuff, but at least away from him, and ran to get his father. When we returned, he had already extricated himself, but had left a trail of molten pastels across the floor to the wall against which he sat slumped. His father fell to his knees, his jeans quickly soaking up the outermost droplets of the puddle of turpentine, and swept his practically weightless son up in his arms.

Pete’s head listed as his father dragged him to the kitchen and laid him out along the table, the white of his shirt already stained by both sweat and the colours his son was haemorrhaging. He wrapped a towel around his left hand and plucked up the edge of the tablecloth with his right, without saying a word, he was dabbing and staunching, MEDIUM FLESH and the CAPUT MORTUUM of his son’s hair staining his fingers and, where he’d scratched at his cheeks as he worked.

“Get me the blue first aid kit from below the sink?”

I reached the sink at a sprint and plucked from it a child’s lunchbox with a square of lined paper on top, broad and scribbled RED-VIOLET cross filled emblazoned on it, laminated by the yellowing tape. When I handed it to him, he slammed it down on the table top with such force that it sprung open, spilling out a raft of worn and stubby wax crayons.

His father, having dabbed and rubbed and smeared his way to staunching up the turps, then proceeded to lovingly colour in the missing details of the now ragged and unconscious Peter the pastel boy.

He filled out his face with the MEDIUM FLESH, and renewed his eyes their rims of COBALT BLUE. He smudged a little BLACK into the roots of his hair with the flat of one broad thumb and sighed to himself in relief and satisfaction.

As I gathered up the few broken crayons that had rolled along the table, he planted a hand on my shoulder and smiled, this man whose son was a drawing.

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The Fear

I have a number of persistent and unaccountable fears. They’re not the sorts of wake-in-the-night-screaming terrors that might pose any real problems with my day-to-day life, just these sort of background doubts that make me think twice before I do anything. Some are fairly trivial, though they could very well become near-manic issues with enough provocation.

Having read, and likely misunderstood, an enormous number of articles on physics as a child, I became fascinated with the idea that gravity was apparently not sufficient to collapse the universe back in on itself. Rather than fear the eventual total heat death scenario that this paints for our universe, my mind somehow hopscotched across the vast realms of impossibility and decided that the one thing I should internalise and fear forever is the idea that somewhere, somehow, gravity will unaccountably invert and I will find myself flung from the earth, or perhaps clinging to some tree being slowly wrenched from the earth. Even if you somehow managed to hold on, I suppose there’d be no atmosphere. Lose-lose.

The reason I’m writing this post isn’t because of the fear of gravitational inversion, powerful and all as that is. Instead, this post was precipitated by a problem with public transportation. At some stage in the last few months, I found myself disembarking from a Luas on an overcast autumn afternoon. I glanced down the length of the road toward O’Connell Street, buildings leaning out over the road and tram tracks dull brown ruts in the slick black tarmac, and for just a second seemed beset by sights and sounds of a strange yestercity.

I’m not sure quite where the image had come from, maybe just some old photograph of a Dublin I hadn’t been born to see, but the moment was suitably profound that I couldn’t help but think:

What would happen if I were to get on a tram in 2011 and, inexplicably, alight ten, twenty or thirty years prior? Where would I go? What would I do? Is there even anyone you could call?

I’m not sure why, but that feeling has stuck with me. I suppose it hasn’t really diminished in any meaningful way; the more I think about it, the more profoundly scary it seems. “It could be happening to someone right now,” I’d think, “how would we ever be able to tell?”

Of course, I understand how preposterous it is. It’s not something to spend real time worrying about. Surely modern man could survive quite well in the fifties. We’ve come a long way. At this point, I realise that a lot of what the modern world has taught me, in terms of survival, is the best means by which to manipulate search engines into teaching me better ways to do things…

Perhaps I should look into sports results of days gone by, just so that I can try to ensure I can bet on something? I need to find myself an almanac, just so that I can keep it on my person at all times… in case of accidental time travel emergency. Not at all ridiculous. I’d be a reverse Biff.

The only real problem is that every step you take to prepare yourself for being shunted unceremoniously into the past only increases the likelihood that you’ll be shot fifty years into the future.

A future where none of the things you know are relevant anymore, and nobody understands why you’re so backward… I guess gravity-inversion would be a mercy.

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Firelight

Mornings begin with a walk in the woods, a winding search for windfall boughs, brought to earth by gales and with portions already submitting to damp and rot. Their extremities are all dried leaves and tinder, first-class kindling. Larger limbs snapped off are still too close to life to easily light, so they’re left behind, the bough slowly sinking into the sodden soil.

There is a simple pleasure in the snapping of sticks to better fit the fireplace, the placement of one long strut across the grate to prop the others and the winding of twigs between the wetter wood in an effort to encourage the flame. The petrol-smell of the firelighters fills the room as thin fingers of black smoke are pulled across the cool air to the chimney.

It’s not a particularly difficult task; I manage to fail a few times a year, but the failures facilitate a feeling of minor victory at the sight of the flickering flame.

So I sit by the fireside, the light of early winter already waning, waiting for the blaze to justify a second load of coal. The room isn’t warm yet, but it soon will be.

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DreamHack Ogham

While I was in Sweden, I saw a number of things that were so fundamentally foreign I couldn’t really fix them in my mind. These things were so outside my experience that I have difficulty managing to explain or describe them now. As I try to wrap my mind around those strangenesses, I find myself guessing at details that should be certainties; I am one of those explorers who, having visited a distant land, reports that the natives are headless and have faces in their chests.

One of the things that seems vague even now are the trolls. I have a feeling that asking the two who travelled to Sweden with me would reveal very different experiences, but we’d all agree that there were trolls along the roadside as we bussed through the forests around some of the rural towns along the way to Jonköping.

The trolls themselves were between twenty and thirty feet tall, mottled green and brown, looming over the roads just outside the treeline. They all of wood, but exposure to the elements seemed to have covered the whole in a thin layer of forest-green moss, blurring the trolls’ hunchbacked outlines, rendering them indistinct green silhouettes against their evergreen backdrop.

After the trolls, we drove through an out-of-the-way lakeside town, the lake so broad that the opposite bank was lost in the thin afternoon mist. The road wound round the lake’s edge, and on one bank we saw something like the trolls. In loops curling from the grass, as though breaking the surface of some green lake, we saw the surging undulations of a strange serpent state. Even the word “statue” feels wrong, as though it bespeaks an inanimate quality they didn’t really have, but it’s as close a word as I know.

These were objects so strange I couldn’t quite parse them, outcroppings of a culture and a history breaking the surface of an otherwise quite familiar place. Amid all this alienness, there was one element that resonated so strongly with home that it feels out of place when I think of it now.

While we were walking through Jonköping, we passed a roundabout that had at its centre a ring of ogham stones. For anyone not Irish enough to have encountered ogham before, it’s a written form of Irish inscribed onto the corners of upright pillars of rock. It’s easier to see from an image than a description, so check this one out:

You'll have to click through to actually see the ogham along the edge

In its own way, the ring of ogham in Jonköping was out of the ordinary; the “stones” themselves were a shining metal, the ogham notches down their edges pointed towards the circle’s centre and were so uniform and evenly spaced that we wondered whether or not it actually said anything. If it did, it was beyond my learned-in-a-week-when-I-was-sixteen ability to decipher.

It’s hard to communicate quite how much the ogham reminded me of home, having spent so long being wowed by Sweden’s free gingerbread, trolls and sea monsters. Similarly, it feels weird to describe a place that is, on the surface, so similar to Ireland as being so alien, but I suppose the overall similarity serves to highlight the difference.

I’ve since spent a little while trying to find any notes on just how ogham ended up in Jonköping, or when the metallic “stones” were erected. Sadly, my research skills aren’t quite up to it. If there are any Swedes out there who happen upon this, I’d love to know about the little shred of home that caught me so off-guard while I traipsed across your country.

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The SirJolt Internship Program

One of the things I’ve found in my job-hunt is that there seem to be a tremendous variety of unpaid internships available under the government’s internship programs (whereby you’re “unpaid” by the business employing you, but continue to receive an allowance from the state). As an unemployed man, I found myself drawn to the idea of the internship scheme, fixated on it. Eventually a plan began to form.

 

It’s not particularly difficult to set oneself up as a business; indeed, I know several individuals who have done so (for reasons that were variously “too complicated” [tax evasion] or “too confusing” [vanity] to explain). These men don’t share any real unifying characteristics except for one very specific trait – they are near-universally unscrupulous individuals.

 

So, if an unscrupulous individual like myself were to decide to become a business, is there any reason not to also reach out and grab myself a handful of interns (hereafter to be referred to as “henchmen”). It seems fairly straightforward; once I have my henchmen assembled, we begin the arduous process of acquiring up a hideout. Given the shoestring budget on which we’d be operating, this would be easier if we were to find somewhere to squat.

 

Fortunately, the combination of a high rate of emigration and the ghost-towns left over after the building bubble collapsed, should provide plenty of empty houses essentially free for the taking. We can’t be entirely optimistic here, there will be some competition for nicer squats, but how many squatters boast their own army of henchmen? I’m willing to wager there are few individuals enterprising enough to have requisitioned themselves a gang (that is to say, an actual gang) of interns.

 

Once we’ve acquired a squat (from this point on to be referred to as a “lair”), we need only begin to raise a criminal empire. This leaves us with the problem of just what sort of criminality to engage in. It should be something even our novice henchmen can’t take issue with; undercutting local rent rates would be ideal. From there, the sky’s the limit; once the henchmen have had a taste of our filthy criminal profits they should be happy to do anything.

 

For anyone on the outside looking in, the biggest issue we’ll encounter with this business model is that government henchmen can only legally be retained for periods of nine months. Admittedly, this will prove costly in terms of paperwork, but specific henchmen may be acquired to do more paperwork. In the long-term though, the short shelf life of the average henchman will only lead to a work environment in which individuals don’t question the sudden and permanent absence of a co-worker.

 

We’ve all seen Bond movies; henchman is a challenging role, and one that can often lead to unexpected termination [melting, freezing, shooting, decapitation, etc.]. Copious insurance should be leveraged for maximum profit.

 

With filthy criminal profit rolling in, we’ll be able to take the best of the henchmen on as permanent staff, spin them out into their own companies and from there apply for yet more government-sponsored henchmen.

 

Join now. The first six interns get free gang tattoos.

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Downtime:

This blog has been removed at the request of my employer. When I can get around to making some in-depth changes I’ll post some new content to it, but for now I’m just kind of sick of it.

M

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